flashback: beginnings

Everything in my life boils down to this one moment in time, a moment on a metal table with a wall between myself and my husband. A kindly doctor putting his hand on mine, an anesthesiologist to my right. Someone asks me about my cat, not the cat I have curled in my lap right now but a different cat, less neurotic. And I’m thinking about every last thing I did wrong, about what brought me here whether it be my own actions or just a bit of random unkindness from an unforgiving universe and this moment is crystallized in my memory and I don’t realize it yet but in the years to come I will describe it over and over in my writings as if I can encapsulate the finality precisely enough to stop the requests for explanations I just don’t have in me anymore. What happened to you to make you like this? And I smile and shake my head as if that simple gesture will erase the vitriol I’ve been inadvertently spewing, as if healing exists and I just got caught up in what? this moment where I lost control. This moment where I lost everything.

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