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It’s a drag to come home to a town that doesn’t give a shit about me. I’m infected to the bone. Despite best intentions, I did not go out today. The weather is gloomy; I pray only for light.

My trip was wonderful and I never even had a panic attack. The in-laws were warm and welcoming. I had a glimpse of another life where maybe I wouldn’t have to spend every. waking. moment. fighting. alone. I’m pretty sure I ovulated and I know this is not my month. Oh well. The angels shrug their shoulders. I am stupid to think I could stay here and be blessed.

And I think I pulled it off. I think I acted fairly normal, even though my head was spinning crazy. The last time I saw my husband’s family, they were visiting Olympia. We took them to a friend’s wedding and I became hysterical when one of our friends showed up with a new baby that he never told us about. I had to leave in shame. This time, I didn’t even cry. 

If I have a healthy baby, will the world take me back? What happens if I don’t? 

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