CD 8

The quiet of early morning, interrupted by the staccato pounding of my feet on pavement. I am possessed by manic energy, desperate to calm my racing thoughts and this crazy drive for the type of speed foreign to my old and broken body. Despite my daily fistfull of pills, I am on an upswing. Seeking peace, I will teach my body how to run free.

Cycle day eight and I am approaching ovulation. In three days I will turn 39 and my mission will be that much more futile. I turn towards my husband, cupping his face in my hands, a gentle kiss to wake him. This is our 24th cycle trying for our elusive dreams of family–we’ve been at it for two years since our sweet Molly passed. A lifetime has passed since I last felt her move inside of me. And I am bitter in knowing I will never be that happy again.

How cruel it is to be both bipolar and infertile! The war is between me, damaged yet inexorable, and my crooked mind, my irascible body and each month is another battle lost, a deepening sense of hostility and soul-sickness like cancer and my dear readers, I thank you for each brief moment of meaningful connection because in the end I could be here all alone. It’s a unique sort of theater, my sanity hangs in the balance. I go through the motions because I cannot think of a better plan.

And again, the sunrise finds me sleepless and again I pull my husband close feeling his sinewy muscle through the thin cloth of his Pogues t-shirt and we soldier on with the world stacked against us and we will continue to clash with the odds because if the miracle happens all this suffering will be worth it in the end.

Please, I beg you, pray for me; God doesn’t answer my prayers.

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5 thoughts on “CD 8

  1. Out of curiosity, what have you and your husband done doctor-wise to investigate (i.e., have you been on progesterone, etc.)? Would love to hear more about that as there are so many women out here in blogland on similar paths…

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    1. The thing is that I am limited in pursuing fertility treatments because my doctors so far are reluctant to prescribe medications since I already take a handful of medications to treat my bipolar disorder. I’m also disability class (again, due to bipolar) and don’t have a lot of cash…in addition to paying OB bills, I have to pay an expensive reproductive psychiatrist to handle my psych meds during ttc and pregnancy. I have supplemented progesterone just because it won’t hurt, but my p4 has always been strong.

      I strongly suspect that I am DOR due my age, the trouble conceiving, and the multiple chromosomal losses. I have an appointment in a week and I will try to get the ob (no REs in my area, so I’m suspicious of an OB that performs IVF IN THE States) to prescribe Clomid or Femara, preferably Femara due to less side effects and it’s not in your system as long as Clomid. Moodiness is a big concern, since I deal with mood swings already. I’ll have bloodwork, but I’m hoping to avoid an HSG as I’ve been getting pregnant so I feel at least one of my tubes is open and the procedure wouldn’t be covered by Medicare (nothing is covered at all by Medicare).

      Whatever the issue is, the fact is that our fertilized eggs are aneuploid and there’s not really a lot they can do for that. If I had cash, I would be interested in IVF with PGS but chances are I’d respond poorly and any embryos we had tested would be abnormal.

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      1. Gotcha – thanks for the summary. I have DOR as well so our IVF tries were always with the eggs from a donor (and yeah, it’s crazy expensive – $17K for the first round and $2K for frozen rounds with the leftovers – and nothing covered by insurance (except the birth control they put you on to regulate it, ironically).

        I will say I took Femara in the very beginning and it kicked my ass – I had body pain for days with it, and was amazed it’s also a breast cancer drug, yet others have had it and it’s fine. For some reason BCBS covered my HSG and it was totally painless but others say that their HSGs sucked. We were not told about PGS by our doctor when the embryos were fresh so lost out on the chance to test them, so we went through 9 unsuccessfully and I always wonder if we could have saved a lot of heartache if we’d have only known about PGS.

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