last ditch efforts

The things in my room are scattered like the mind of a distracted genius. Here I sit, growing nervous. I usually don’t ovulate until CD 15 at the earliest, but my fertile signs start early and I am spurred into action by a drop of slippery mucous. A friend was regaling me with tales of her latest sexcapades…I listened with envy. My sex life is all careful timing, Preseed, and Wondfo strips littering my nightstand. Every other day until ample fertile mucous, and then we are spurred into a kind of action that has nothing to do with the luxury of passion.

I’ve avoided fertility treatments for two years, afraid how meds may exacerbate my bipolar disorder and scared off by finances and reluctant medical professionals. This will be the fourth OB I speak with, there are no reproductive endocrinologists in my area. 

And okay, I admit, I have a checkered past. I used to charm unwitting doctors until I had, with a sense of total and complete victory, a script in my hand–Percocet if I were especially on point, benzodiazepines to quell the terror of living, anything to make the pain and fear dissipate for a few short hours (don’t worry about me, I have been sober and working a solid program for thirteen years). I will attempt, in a week from yesterday, to be similarly charismatic. I want a script for Femara, interactions with psych meds be damned. I’d settle for Clomid, but the side effects scare me. Whatever…since I am coming to the end of my journey, I just want a little help and I can handle the craziness. I chuckle to myself. Famous last words.

I’m not totally reckless, I did write my psychiatrist for her opinion, but was met with a blank stare (if a blank stare can be transmitted via web portal, this was a doozy). To be honest, I’m not sure how this woman manages to walk down the street and not fall into a manhole, or be crushed by a falling piano or something. But there you go, an attempt at responsibility. Sometimes in life, all you can do is try.

(we now return to our regular programming… whining about depression will resume in 5…4…3…2…)


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