The sun reminds me why I stay in this blighted little town; it really is gorgeous and for most of my time here I’ve not minded the rainy winters. On a day like this the possibility of sliding right back into a world in which I’ve never done well seems not only appealing, but natural and easy. I remember going to school here long ago, how I struggled to make friends and everybody hated me. The years I’ve spent in recovery, learning the basics of social behavior and how I was still barely holding on…everyone always thinks I’m a horrible bitch, and in truth I have done horribly bitchy things.
I have been bitter for so long but I feel like things are suddenly different. What is going to happen to me? I cant imagine how painful it would be to lose this baby now, after everything. Would they be able to medicate me back from oblivion?
I have a monthly prenatal check on Thursday, where I can schedule my anatomy scan. They’re only five minutes long, it says it on the paper they gave me. Next week I have an regular ultrasound, which I’m getting anxious about already even though I think it’s probably unnecessary. I also have an appointment with my psychiatric obstetrician on Aug. 1.
Life keeps moving. I think I’m doing fine.
Here’s my weekly messy bathroom selfie:
I am going to be huge.