no place on earth for me

This pregnancy is liberty. As I listen to the galloping horses of baby’s heart, my hatred dissipates and the blackened part of my soul gives way to fresh pink tissue. And it’s so fucking fragile I barely dare to move, choosing instead to spend my days trembling and at home where all I need is within reach. The fever is breaking. I might be all right.

Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss almost brought me to perdition. No matter what the fate of this dear little baby, that part of my life ends here. I’m not afraid of being childless; well, I’m apprehensive to be sure, but it no longer the bone chilling prospect it once was. So I observe the changes in my body from a detached perspective, marveling at all the things it does when it never did much of anything during my previous pregnancies.

It’s a grey morning and I am deliciously sleepy. Lately I feel more and more like a normal pregnant lady. I can’t go sit in my OB’s waiting room and scowl at the rounded bellies of the other patients because I am one of them now, no longer scrawny and out of place.

It’s a trap, the chorus chortles. The universe will turn on you like it always does.

But what if it doesn’t?

******

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “no place on earth for me

  1. Have you been able to feel any movements yet? I found I could relax a lot more once I could feel those daily movements. I am still reading every post and am SO STINKING happy and excited for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck on your five minute prenatal today 🙂

    Enjoying reading you, it’s fascinating to see the changes as time goes by. Very best for the upcoming ultrasounds as well!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been quiet lately and I’m sorry for that. I want to support the happy moments for you too. It’s such an exciting time and I hope you do get to enjoy it a little bit now that things are settling in. You’re in my thoughts often and I continue to wish for good things for you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s